A Eulogy to Farting, or why one should NEVER restraint a fart
Farting is good for you, whether it's a proper cathartic fart in the privacy of your bathroom, a fart drizzle while you are running or jogging, or a mind fart, like on Twitter.
Recently farting came into the spotlight for a completely different reason, i.e. airplane passenger safety. One of the articles published following the study of farting conducted in Denmark was aptly called "Study finds humans fart more on planes, healthy to let 'em rip", and you can read more here.
The study answers some very important questions:
Q: Do people fart more on airplanes?
A. Yeah bet they do! People usually break wind a dozen times a day, but when cabin pressure alters this affects the gas pressure in the intestines. Altitude pressure results in an increased gas production, so quantity, frequency and odour all increase during the flight.
Q. Should I try to hold it in?
A. Christ no! Holding it in causes discomfort, pain, bloating, dyspepsia (i.e. indigestion), heartburn, so, say the esteemed doctors, "our recommendation is that airline passengers should ignore the social embarrassment of breaking wind and just let it go!" (Just like we do on Twitter with our mindfarts, so we know how to do this, right!)
Q. Does this apply to the crew too?
A. You are damned if you do... damned if you don't! Back to the beautifully worded research: "If a pilot restrains a fart, all the drawbacks previously mentioned, including impaired concentration, may affect his ability to control the plain. On the other hand, if he lets go, his co-pilot may be affected by its odour, which again reduces safety on board the flight."
Q. Is there a safe solution?
A. Rubber suits for passengers with an attached container for collecting gas were dismissed as a tad extreme, but hey, all of us cattle car passengers win, for once: the textile covers on seats in the economy class absorb up to 50% of odour because they are gas permeable, unlike the leather seats in the posh section.
Q. Whose farts smell more, men's or women's?
A. Cherchez la femme... yep, women's farts smell worse (but only on airplanes, methinks... otherwise we are perfect in all respects).
Q. What can I take before the flight to be part of the solution?
A. My favourite is Slippery Elm and Fennel from the Good Gut Products range, it's smooth, collects the farts and helps digest delicious airplane food.
(many thanks for Private Eye 1335 p.18 for the quotes)
